I want to write something here. I intended to write something here, but its 3:20, I have just returned from a draining wedding, and tomorrow is another day. Another fucking day.

I have yet to complete my photography project. And I have to put the finishing touches on my psych paper. And make a powerpoint for the both of them. And complete the two gifts I’ve been making.

Things keep going wrong. And I’m too tired to do anything about them except seethe internally. I have been telling myself its all in my head, and really, until a while ago I felt good. But I keep lapsing into this state of melancholy where everything matters so much that nothing can matter at all. Where I struggle between action, reaction and inaction. Because things need to be done, but my chest feels like a black-hole into which the rest of my body has disappeared.

I convinced myself today that I no longer belong to the world of the creative. I should simply give up the guise. Stop taking pictures, stop drawing and making things, because I wont get it, no matter when i wont have that flair. With that comes the feeling that my life has been a succession of improbably chances and incredibly good luck. And luck can only take you so far. I dont have it in me to face the odds and brave the waters and do the long list of other things that are done in such cliches. I simply dont have the flair. The life. The vivacity. And no amount of technical excellence makes up for that. No amount of being good at XYZ makes up for that. No amount of anything else makes up for that because in the end I’m creatively fucked. I am snug inside the box and I dont even know that I can open it. To paraphrase again, I am creatively fucked. I am an artistic nothing. I’m a walking, talking, fucking generic cliche. The shallow, vain, psuedo-intellectual, that would like to think there is something special about her because everyone says so – everyone expects as much. But in fact there is no specialty. My cowardice is cloaked in “excellence” and thats all there is to it. Nothing special. Nothing.

Its a kind of strange happiness. Not the overwhelming, fleeting enthusiasm I’m used to feeling. Its a kind of peace. An acceptance of what was, is, and a realistic and mildly optimistic view of what will be. There is some clarity now, regarding a few things…regarding inspiration, creation, purposes and meanings and all of that “deep” stuff. I’ve realised I can feel what I feel without being consumed by it, while still retaining stability, knowing that it is *ME* that feels and thinks. I feel but that feeling does not possess me and does not explain my actions. My actions are mine. My choices are mine. And the way I live my life is mine.

Perhaps I’m in this mood because I know i’m leaving. The date is coming ever closer. And yes, there will be people I will miss…but then what of the people I will meet there? What of being able to “grow into my shoes” so to speak? What of being ME? And being able to freely be as I please? The thought of being given this opportunity, to move to a place where freedom is unconditionally given…the prospect of such a place is enlivening.

We have been having these installation projects lately in college, interactive art pretty much. Today I participated in another group’s project. It was fun but esentially pointless. I think the fun part made up for the pointlessness We took paint in squishy bottles and splashed a person with different colours of paint. I got my new jeans dirty but the paint washed off. Our installation was “installed” yesterday. Its a bed on which people write their dreams. It went well, people connected. I connected. These artworks, they’re beautiful. To get the audience to connect with your concept, and in our case, to have a little piece, a snippet, of the workings of people’s minds…its beyond amazing. Its llike being part of things, not watching from far above as your body moves around and talks to people and does things, but actually being in the moment. I want to feel like this, everyday. I want to feel like this for the rest of my life – completely in the moment but also liberated from it. To be both inside and outside myself, not as a divided half but as a whole. As a whole, complete person that has the right and reason to believe in the future.

I’m going to go treat myself nicely now, get the paint out of my hair and maybe go draw.

Take care all ^_^

I experience vague instances of feeling, every now and then. Vague, unidentifiable feelings, but still, momentary breaks in the bleak nothingness I feel most of the time.

I was asked what I thought about life, how I felt about things, people, anything, everything. She said if she asked me if I was happy, it would be a very silly question. One of the few that realize that. I said here it felt like someone was holding a pillow to my face. I think I might be at the stage where a person loses all consciousness. But I didnt tell her that.

It was a strange day. There was a lot of emotional revelation. People seemed ready to talk, only waiting for someone who would listen. I wish I had been in my usual state, at the top of my empathetic ability so I could have felt the importance of it all instead of telling myself, logically, how I was meant to react and what words said would help the most. But we do what we can. I helped as I could.

Tomorrow will either be busy or filled with mild anxiety. I have not begun working on what I have to do…
So I actually should go.

I think i might write something today, later….or at least draw a detailed miniature of an idea I had for a painting/pastel drawing. Creativity…*satisfied sigh*

Bits of the Day that I felt awesomely :L

I am in an oddly chipper mood after my mindBLASTING headache…<–weird joke.

The day has gone well and I might even be able to borrow random books from somebody! Yay! Books make me happy :L

I have also accomplished (I hope) something that I have been trying to finish for a while now (Yay! again!) :L

And despite the fact that I miss a lot of not so random people terribly (Darky included but not exclusive) I feel GOOD :L Does anyone realise how fucking hard that is around here? :L

*happy sigh*

I made a random drawing today..of…well, take a guess… in the uber awesome drawing session thingie. Tis scanned and attached below.

No, It is crumpled paper!

In other news, the colour photography shooting went beyond disasterously. Well, it actually didnt..go at all. There were seniors in the studio during our scheduled session AND they stayed for about 3 hours. But oh well. Life is GOOD! :L and no, that is not sarcasm.

Needless to say, I have not written anything today as I do not feel like shit. Thats an odd relief. I’m thinking I will not attempt to write until I really do feel like it, instead of force stuff out like I have been. I will wait and bottle shit up so the next piece of mine is a masterpiece :L aren’t I smart? I am SO ready for a masterpiece.

Anywho, that is all of this lunatic’s ravings. I shall now proceed to work on my many assignments and random other side projects. hooraaaa! :L

Toodles

My heart beats for no reason. I feel dizzy and light headed and I can barely type because the strength of my fingers seems to have given out. I want to crawl into bed and stay there..as I did today. But I have work. Sketches and a test and a process book to get bound. And a colourful dress to choose for photography. And? And. *sigh* I am out of breath. But I havent been running. I have barely moved today.

I should go..and do some work.

Its been a strange (?) day. I suppose its because I havent slept. College was good..as was the open drawing class. Its something I can look froward to every week.

Who knew happiness could be this tiring? My day was what a normal person would call “good”. I felt good. Until I got in the car to go home. It is mostly just physical tiredness, this state of mind..but of course, with physical tiredness comes weakening of mental defenses.

I think I might go to bed… but of course, I’ll wake up feeling the same way. At least this way, I’m writing.

Bits of the Day

I havent written anything in ages. Not because I am short of inspiration, but because I havent tried. I have no time, no energy, no will to try and write. Well, I do have the will. Just not anything else.

I have written a lot, come to think of it. Just nothing that warrants a read. I dont remember more than half of it.

My head is killing me. I feel nauseous and physically uncomfortable but this is the only time I’ve got to do my work…which I have put off for too long. I am 75% done with an assignment. The other 6 are no where near started.

*sigh*

The bright side is its only tuesday.

The not so bright side is I never get work done over weekends.

Incoherency – the second literary curse

It hasnt been the best of days.

Well, it has been. For me. But.

There are some things I refuse to talk about but perpetually think about. It’ll take a few days to wear off, at least partially.

I dont want to sleep.

Mom is back home. I’m being all weird around her. She hasnt noticed. Sophie is upset. My sweet Sophie. The darling with a sister who has failed her.

I’m not off the hook yet. This is just a temporary reprieve. I want rest. I want peace. Theres too much to do and too much being asked of me. I have been feeling my heart hammer my chest walls for the past three days. I dont want to sleep.

I need a shower. I dont want to fucking move.

I”m making no sense.

Almost (barely) there

this is getting really fucking tiring.

Moving in any position aside from the one I am in right now, in front of the computer, slaving away, makes me dizzy.

I like to whine, by the way.

Now that I have this shit out of my system, I can continue.

(somebody please kill me)

Bits of the Day (insert number here)

I’m wasting time -__-

my fingers are fucking chafed and i have only got one frame mounted properly. UGH! I’m taking a break now, though typing may not be the best way to bring peace to my poor fingers. God, I sound self-centered. I have covered the tips with soft charcoal eraser though. It seems to be working.

I am now going to go and flip through (quite literally) my english book to revise the freaking grammar terms we have to memorise for the damn exam today.

I have slept. I am posting that for all concerned parties Sleep that actually counts as sleep and not just tossing and turning in bed and drifting off to some weird tense, scary place. No, I slept through most of yesterday actually.

That is about all for now. I’ll go waste my time some more learning a language I already know.

On a happier note – I seem to be having a good hair day! I have succumb to shallowness.

Anyhow

*poofs*

Today

I missed one of my favourite classes today. Art Appreciation. Because I was registering. I went to the teacher and didnt have the decency to even say I’m sorry (which I genuinely was) because apparently…well, she didnt seem to mind. I feel like shit for not apologisint nonetheless. I should have. Even though I’m attending the lecture with another section on saturday.

So I finally got to register. I got to uni and went to registrars and told them the fucking shit system wasnt working and the shit response I got was “yeah, maybe there was a problem with IT, you can check with the. Maybe you can try registering from that lab?” Like wtf?! >_> the fucking system was SUPPOSED to be online at midnight.

Either way, I went to the lab, registered for courses (loooooong procedure, had to go to the academic affairs head because the shithead at registrars wouldnt let me drop english). Either way, that got done and I had class in the dark room. So I’m trying to print and I feel like I”m gonna collapse because I had had nothing but coffe since last night and ran the equivalent of at least 3 kilometers while trying to get all the signatures and bullshit for registration. So I go to the teacher and she gives me this disappointed look with a huge ass lecture and then sends me to go get food for myself. While eating I ask her what i”m supposed to do to improve my pictures. I am apparently supposed to shoot from my soul. They’re fucking textures. Someone tell me how. Anyways, she said the hourses I shot were the best and it all went downhill from there. I dont know what to do with this. I have a week left and the film I just developed was, in all honest, absolute shit. So I have got 3 rolls left. And a week to shoot and print. I”m so fucking screwed.

and so sleepy. And so fed up. Meh.

I want my bed and I want stress-free sleep.

Bits of the Day #I’ve lost track

I’m home! I’m home!

Okay, I’ve been home for a while now, and only left for a few hours but it seemed like a lot. We went to ze fish market (smelly place) with someone and got fresh fish and shrimps and squid. And had it cooked, of course. Then went to the beach and had lunch. I had my hopes up for crab or lobster..or both..but it seems it was not meant for today.

Anyhow, the fish market was a lot more fascinating than one would think. And because of that, I have decided that my final project for photography will be about the fish market. I’ve already got a roll of film so I’ll get at least 4 WONDERFUL photographs from it. Now its just a matter of getting a couple more rolls filled out, developing them and handing in the damn thing on time. I’ve got a month, so, no rush.

I’ve been working on another project all weekend. I call it HELL. Well, no, its about the gradual sophistication of living arrangements…in other words how buildings and shit have changed from the times of Fred Flintstone. Not very scientifically accurate, since its just images that I have drawn. Focusing more on design and shit and it is now finally almost done. All I have to do is apply the finishing touches and it will be ready to hand in first thing 11:00 tomorrow. *wipes brow*

The coming week looks rather promising actually. Aside from this assignment and two tests I’ve got tomorrow, and one on Monday, theres not much else to do the rest of the week. I will, of course, be spending time working on my portfolio and final photography project. I’ve been a smart ass and finished an assignment early so that makes me free-er than I would be. hah.

Is it sad that all I talk about is uni? <_>

In other news…my Art Appreciation teacher is pretty cool. The kind one can have random conversations with. Which is always good. Teacher ratings are coming up after finals. She gets the highest, hands down.

Finals…meh..*shudders*

I cannot wait till semester break. Feb 17th. Hopefully earlier, depending on when my final projects are due. Projects..*shudders again*…

Must get back to revising for test and doing other random shit.

Bits of the Day #I dont give a fuck

Its been a while. With all the must-do’s and have-to-do’s. God. It feels like my head might explode. I have caught a slight sore throat from Sophie..who is sick. Not to the extent of worrying the crap out of everyone…but we worry nonetheless.

I dont really know what to write in this post aside from uni shit. I am, quite frankly, tired of it and was hoping to do something different for this post. Like actually WRITE something. Creativity is dead.

As it is 5:30 am and I still have sketches to make, I shall postpone the heavy writing to when Dr. Frankenstien can manage to bring creativity back to life without the process reversing.

*signs off in uber original, fun way*

Yeah, that should suffice.

Bits of the Day #9

Who knew graphic design assignments could be SO FUCKING TEDIOUS?

I sure didnt.

*sigh*

Oh well. Back to work.

Bits of the Day #8.2

Assignment status:

Intro to GDES: getting there..kind of..almost..not really

Photography: Complete

Art App: Postponed

Drawing: Incomplete

Friend’s thing: Complete

Dad’s thing: Incomplete

Mom’s thing: Complete

My resume: Incomplete

Other tiny random shit: complete

I’m tired

Bits of the Day #8.1

Assignment status:

Intro to GDES: 1/3rd complete, 2/3rds pending

Photography: 1/6ths complete

Drawing: (just realised I had it) incomplete

Art Appreciation: in progress

Friend’s thing: incomplete

So I just realised I had a drawing assigment. I also realised I can postpone my Art App. reading till Saturday, which gives me a weee bit more time today to complete other random shit…like getting a cat and buying shoes that wont leave my feet in ruins.

Oh well. We shall see. I have a whole 15 hours to do all of this.

Bits of the Day #8

We went to two pet shops today. There was a kitten the size of my hand. Filled it up like I was holding a ball of fluff. Grey, blue eyes, expensive. I might buy him with my first paycheck if I dont find another by the next weekend. Beautiful little thing.

Assignment status:

photography – not done

intro to GDES – incomplete

friend’s thing – not done

art appreciation – not done

Beautiful things are worth the trouble. But I must slave away now.

Bits of the Day! Again! #7

Yes, I am alive. Just insanely busy.

I completed a photography assignment just yesterday (pictures were horrible). I have an intro to GDES assignment due the coming Saturday and its a long ass time-consuming thing. I have to practice shadowing by hatching for my basics of drawing class (trust me, hatching is shit hard) and I have to write a friend’s personal statement. I also have to ready samples of my written “work” for a person who may be able to help me publish, and for a job I’m going to apply for by (hopefully) the end of today. I just need to finalise my resume and take a deep breath. And I have an english class thats taking up a good three hours of my week (UGH!). Never before has time been so precious.

I had my first drama club meeting today and (as usual) have taken up the technical side of things. I will now be editing music and shit for the plays the club will put on. The photography club is *still* not up and running, and I completely forgot to hunt down another club’s supervisor today.

In positive news, my Geometry teacher will be absent for ten more days.

In negative news, we will have extra classes after school hours when she gets back.

In other news, we still dont have a cat.

Thats all folks!

(I know, I am abusing Bits of the Day. If its any consolation, I havent written worthwhile shit in months…not that anyone cares)

Bits of the (second/first-ish) Day (at uni) #6

So I’m sitting in English class and thinking “sombody please kill me…” and the teacher goes “yes, thats correct.” Of course, she was responding to another girl, that oh-so-cleverly stated that each paragraph in an essay needs a topic sentence. Yes, that is what made me want to die. I’m sitting in a class full of morons and being taught “english rhetoric and composition” by a complete imbecile. And this class takes up three precious hours of my week, god knows how many weeks in my first semester. In other words, three credit hours worth of excruciatingly painful, scream-inducing torture. And guess who cant bunk classes? 15% of my overall grade goes into attendance and participation. Hoorah! >_> morons.

Aside from that, the only other class that actually took place was “Introduction to graphic design”..and..we dont use computers. At all. -__- yes, we “design” by hand. A little ridiculous? A little VERY ridiculous? Meh. I am now waiting to see how my “art appreciation” teacher slaughters my enthusiasm.

*sigh*

Bits of the Day #5

So I dont really have a lot of time. I’m supposed to be asleep but since no ones home and I am grounded (again) I thought I’d sieze the opportunity and make a post.

I’ve come down with somewhat of a flu/throaty thing. Perfect timing, really. But its not bad. Quite livable actually.

Almost all gifts have been bought for our trip (hooray!) and now all thats left is the packing.

Teh haircut turned out not to be a disaster, in case anyone wanted to know.

Aside from that, not a lot thats been happening.

Except…I think I’ve lost my writeriness. Probably havent but..yeah.

And the site I use to send text messages is down >_>

Better be off to bed now.

Bits of the Day #4

I’m going to misuse this category a bit more till my flight (in 4 days) because I feel like it and no one can stop me. Hah.

So I’ve put together a to-do list and it doesnt amount to much worth doing at the moment. But its still shit that must be done. So sigh. I will be going for a hair cut now, at 1am. No, seriously, I have an appointment at 1 am. Mhm. So lets hope it doesnt turn out to be a disaster. I dont want my hair shortened. And if the hair-dresser does chop off some length, I shall do the same to the lady’s neck.

I’ve got another appointment-ish thing for eye refraction or whatever its called for new glasses, thats in the afternoon at 1pm. And then a stupid lunch thing to attend around 6ish.

I put together a book/writer list for the bookstore raiding I plan to do in Pakistan (alright, you got me, its not hell). And somebody threw it. Or at least, misplaced it. So I cant find it. So I have to make one all over again. And add to it, because it wasnt complete. (suggestions welcome)

And I streamed a movie last night and someone had closed the window by the time I woke up. So hurray >_> I didnt get to watch that either.

So thats enough whining for the day. Maybe more when I get back later tonight.

This busy, mismatched schedule is a pain in the ass. I think karma thought my neck had had enough.

I shall now go feel guilty for having whined.

Holidays are supposed to be FUN! *frustrated angry face*

Bits of the Day #3

So I spent the last more than an hour answering questionnaires for research studies because I’m bored as fuck. Tomorrow morning (today, afternoon) I will be beating myself up about this because I have a novel to read, stuff to decide, stuff to draw, a room to clean, a medicine drawer to arrange (oh shit! I totally forgot about that and its too late now!), shoes to photograph (oh shit again!), some ideas to put to paper, emails to reply, poems and short stories to critique and generally, more important stuff to do.

Oh, and I’m getting lazy with this Bits of the Day category and not writing artistically. Shame on me!

Today, I woke up at 5pm, went out for a lunch-ish thing, came home, got a shopping list and went back out shopping and came home, had dinner and spent the rest of my time doing just about nothing. There are 6 days left before our flight (to hell) and two weeks to spend there (okay, not hell, but something close). And I have to do shit before I go.

*sigh*

Lazy, lazy, lazy me.

And now I shall go to bed. And toss and turn. And eventually..perhaps, hopefully, fall asleep.

Bits of the Day #2

So today I went to uni and laughed at the registrar. Well, not exactly. I surpassed her (stupid excuse of some semblance of) “power” and went over to the program director (hehehehehe) and got all my courses and schedules sorted out. So I’ve dropped the useless health science course I was being forced to take, and taken up a photography course instead. Woohoo!

In other news, I bought really pretty shoes. Like really really pretty.

And..um..I have to prepare for a party tomorrow at our place.

And…thats about it

I feels gooood ;D

Bits of the Day #1

I’m starting this category for a friend (you know who you are ). I shall be posting relatively less depressive bits of the day so people can stay posted. Enjoy

“Life just kind of empties out
Less a deluge than a drought
Less a giant mushroom cloud
Than an unexploded shell
Inside a cell
Of the Lennox Hotel”

~ Little Bombs, Aimee Mann.

Thats what I was listening to just now.

The site for uni is down, so I cant plan what courses I have to register for before I go to register tomorrow. I guess I’ll have to plan it all out when I get there. Thats about the only significant thing thats happened today

Time to get to bed.

Self-absorbedness

The day sucks when all you do is sleep.

No really, thats all I did. Really. Aside from cooking, getting exhausted to the point of nausea and taking care of sophie during said exhaustion. But the little tyke was sleepy too, thank god.

So now I have a math admission test, and I’m mildly hungry. I also felt like randomly posting about my day in plain prose instead of riddles. Rejoice.

I shall now go eat and drink and draw and sleep.