I dont think I’ll go places. I’ll give up some day and decide to go live in the caves.

I finished the two gifts I was making! :L I are happy.

Dreamers

Dreams? Dreams you say? Frivolous persuits. There are no dreams here. At least none that are different from anyone elses. We dream to be One, all of us. We dream to be better persons, lawyers, doctors and engineers too, of course. We dream to be good wives and quiet children that dream the same way too. We dream in sequence and structure, the proper way dreams should be dreamt. When it is unbearably quiet in the night, we are all asleep. And the unbearable quietness of day is not heard by us either for we have not awaken. We dream, you see, in cyclic fashion, perpetually, continuously. And in our predictably similar dreams, patterned to what a wonderful world, we abide by the dreaming rules, and continue dreaming happily ever after.

Reading People

There is a certain urgency about her. Too much of an effort being expended to please, to be the fun one or the funny one or the one everyone has a good time with. I wonder where that comes from and my mind draws certain conclusions and imagines certain scenarios I know arent true. Or at least I have no reason to believe are true.

Her gestures are exaggerated, as is her voice, her intonation. I’m tempted to say it is an act but it would be wrong to say its not genuine. It is genuine. It is an unconscious or at least uncontrollable way of being. That isnt to say there is anything wrong with being as such. It is simply interesting to observe an exaggerated personality. I would like to know what more there is to it.

~*~

I wonder how accurate my conclusions are about people. But then it is inaccurate in itself to draw conclusions at all because that is to assume a certain finality to who we are as people. Lets see where this new category takes us. I plant to keep on “studying”, people watching and such.

10:35am

I have finished my exams and I’m strangely glad. I’m not usually because exams really dont mean anything to me, but my application for college withdrawal is complete and signed by all the right people. Now all thats left is giving it in after all my grades are in the system. And after that all thats left are the goodbyes…but goodbyes really arent goodbyes anymore. People that want to stay in touch do stay in touch and its better to simply clean out the ones to which your actions are more of a liability than anything else. And so I will be cleaning out, gladly, all the skeletons, spiderwebs and dustballs from the back of my proverbial closet. And I will be happy for it.

Psych final on Saturday, History of Graphic Design on Sunday. No mood to study for either and zero preparation for both.

Hooray.

Its 2:45am.

There used to be days when I used to be writing furiously at this hour. A poem, an abstract piece, a something. I’m too tired now. And the crippling melancholy has set in. Its interesting and frustrating at the same time that I feel this way; that something is fundamentally wrong after a perfectly good day. What sense does that make? When life hands you lemonade itself, what is there to be upset about?

Theres a shitload to do, a lot of it thats emotionally overwhelming stuff. Not the goodbyes, but the arranging things for the school year over there – the registering, the applying for an id card. I havent even sent my dad the form yet so he can mail it. I;ve filled it out, saved it and everything but simply not emailed it. Its called fear, this thing that ruins everything. An irrational fear of life itself. Sad part is I know exactly what it is that stops me and i do nothing about it. And then make up excuses. But dont we all make up excuses for ourselves? Its how we all live as humans.

As humans… what are we as humans?

I want to write something here. I intended to write something here, but its 3:20, I have just returned from a draining wedding, and tomorrow is another day. Another fucking day.

I have yet to complete my photography project. And I have to put the finishing touches on my psych paper. And make a powerpoint for the both of them. And complete the two gifts I’ve been making.

Things keep going wrong. And I’m too tired to do anything about them except seethe internally. I have been telling myself its all in my head, and really, until a while ago I felt good. But I keep lapsing into this state of melancholy where everything matters so much that nothing can matter at all. Where I struggle between action, reaction and inaction. Because things need to be done, but my chest feels like a black-hole into which the rest of my body has disappeared.

I convinced myself today that I no longer belong to the world of the creative. I should simply give up the guise. Stop taking pictures, stop drawing and making things, because I wont get it, no matter when i wont have that flair. With that comes the feeling that my life has been a succession of improbably chances and incredibly good luck. And luck can only take you so far. I dont have it in me to face the odds and brave the waters and do the long list of other things that are done in such cliches. I simply dont have the flair. The life. The vivacity. And no amount of technical excellence makes up for that. No amount of being good at XYZ makes up for that. No amount of anything else makes up for that because in the end I’m creatively fucked. I am snug inside the box and I dont even know that I can open it. To paraphrase again, I am creatively fucked. I am an artistic nothing. I’m a walking, talking, fucking generic cliche. The shallow, vain, psuedo-intellectual, that would like to think there is something special about her because everyone says so – everyone expects as much. But in fact there is no specialty. My cowardice is cloaked in “excellence” and thats all there is to it. Nothing special. Nothing.

Its a kind of strange happiness. Not the overwhelming, fleeting enthusiasm I’m used to feeling. Its a kind of peace. An acceptance of what was, is, and a realistic and mildly optimistic view of what will be. There is some clarity now, regarding a few things…regarding inspiration, creation, purposes and meanings and all of that “deep” stuff. I’ve realised I can feel what I feel without being consumed by it, while still retaining stability, knowing that it is *ME* that feels and thinks. I feel but that feeling does not possess me and does not explain my actions. My actions are mine. My choices are mine. And the way I live my life is mine.

Perhaps I’m in this mood because I know i’m leaving. The date is coming ever closer. And yes, there will be people I will miss…but then what of the people I will meet there? What of being able to “grow into my shoes” so to speak? What of being ME? And being able to freely be as I please? The thought of being given this opportunity, to move to a place where freedom is unconditionally given…the prospect of such a place is enlivening.

We have been having these installation projects lately in college, interactive art pretty much. Today I participated in another group’s project. It was fun but esentially pointless. I think the fun part made up for the pointlessness We took paint in squishy bottles and splashed a person with different colours of paint. I got my new jeans dirty but the paint washed off. Our installation was “installed” yesterday. Its a bed on which people write their dreams. It went well, people connected. I connected. These artworks, they’re beautiful. To get the audience to connect with your concept, and in our case, to have a little piece, a snippet, of the workings of people’s minds…its beyond amazing. Its llike being part of things, not watching from far above as your body moves around and talks to people and does things, but actually being in the moment. I want to feel like this, everyday. I want to feel like this for the rest of my life – completely in the moment but also liberated from it. To be both inside and outside myself, not as a divided half but as a whole. As a whole, complete person that has the right and reason to believe in the future.

I’m going to go treat myself nicely now, get the paint out of my hair and maybe go draw.

Take care all ^_^