I’ve come to this blog more than a few times in the past couple days and stopped short of making an entry because
a) when I first made this blog, I was determined that it wouldnt be a place where I come and whine about myself
b) if I ever did whine about myself, it would be done in style
c) it was supposed to be a place for creative expression of common thought.
Unfortunately my mind is not beautiful enough for me to make it what I intended it to be. Maybe some day I’ll manage to pull it back into shape. For now, I”m convinced of one thing, that is, sometimes the healthiest thing to do is to sit and whine about one’s self. I said sometimes. Being honest I do it more than sometimes but I”m a writer so I”m entitled. Hah. So as days go by and leave my mind blankER than it already is, I shall whine in plain words.
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The day started of as usual – I woke up at 5ish, realised I’d fallen asleep without having turned out the lights and such. So I got up, turned off the computer, the lights, turned on the AC, neatened up the bed area and went back to sleep. Woke up again at about 8ish and took out my phone and mp3 player from underneath me. Went back to sleep. Woke up again at 10ish and stayed awake.
It was a rather boring day, after that, as holidays go. It generally has been..pretty dull around here. Even with the exhibition coming up and whatnot. Its like going from walled enclosure to walled enclosure. Life here is like that. Its either my room or the living room or some fucking mall or shop or grocery store..with very little in between except for traffic jams and drives spent arguing with someone or the other about something or the other that really shouldnt make much of a difference. Even daydreaming about catching a flight to somewhere on a whim is ludicrous because of the shitload of legal formalities to be carried out before one can leave the country. The earliest I could ever leave is two days, considering its the middle of the week. I’d never be able to work at an airport and what all those people leave and be stuck in one place myself.
Heh. I just spent the last half hour looking for the cheapest flight out of here. Turns out search engines dont work that way. I’ve got to type in a destination. Funny thing..I dont really know where I’d rather be.
Its easy to think being in a different place would make me a different person. To an extent, maybe…but it wouldnt *really* change much. I would love to keep traveling. Pick up and start afresh somewhere after 2 to 3 years. Live in those places, encounter new people, encounter myself encountering new people, new things. Life gets boring in the same place. In pursuit for constancy and “settling down” people forget how much is out there. Its not a small world. Not in the least. Or maybe its just about having no strings attached, no bridges to go back over except the ones I choose not to burn. As clean a cut as I will it to be. Selfish? So be it.
My recent physical crash I have determined is/was a physical manifestation of..well, this sense of feeling trapped, bogged down, etc etc. After several pricks and tests and whatever else, its been diagnosed as..hmm..nothing too serious. But it couldnt have been nothing. It was too fucking much to be nothing. The last few test results will arrive tomorrow but I”m pretty sure they’ll be clear. They say all situations can be changed but I dont know how to change this one. The cursor blinks now…I have no more to write. Its 4am and I should probably be getting to bed…to wake up to another walled enclosure to spend my day in.
