So I’m off to the airport in 45 minutes. I spent 15 on the computer. Shame on me 
I’ve got stuff packed (WOOHOO!) and I will be back in 17 days.
I hope my presence is missed
Take care everyone! And I’ll catch you all when I do.
Bye ^^
PS: Yes, I will have pictures and there will be a details account of the insides of hell posted when I get back. IF I’m alive after I get stuff from the first weef of uni started. *cough*
Um..I should go
So I dont really have a lot of time. I’m supposed to be asleep but since no ones home and I am grounded (again) I thought I’d sieze the opportunity and make a post.
I’ve come down with somewhat of a flu/throaty thing. Perfect timing, really. But its not bad. Quite livable actually.
Almost all gifts have been bought for our trip (hooray!) and now all thats left is the packing.
Teh haircut turned out not to be a disaster, in case anyone wanted to know.
Aside from that, not a lot thats been happening.
Except…I think I’ve lost my writeriness. Probably havent but..yeah.
And the site I use to send text messages is down >_>
Better be off to bed now.
I’m going to misuse this category a bit more till my flight (in 4 days) because I feel like it and no one can stop me. Hah.
So I’ve put together a to-do list and it doesnt amount to much worth doing at the moment. But its still shit that must be done. So sigh. I will be going for a hair cut now, at 1am. No, seriously, I have an appointment at 1 am. Mhm. So lets hope it doesnt turn out to be a disaster. I dont want my hair shortened. And if the hair-dresser does chop off some length, I shall do the same to the lady’s neck.
I’ve got another appointment-ish thing for eye refraction or whatever its called for new glasses, thats in the afternoon at 1pm. And then a stupid lunch thing to attend around 6ish.
I put together a book/writer list for the bookstore raiding I plan to do in Pakistan (alright, you got me, its not hell). And somebody threw it. Or at least, misplaced it. So I cant find it. So I have to make one all over again. And add to it, because it wasnt complete. (suggestions welcome)
And I streamed a movie last night and someone had closed the window by the time I woke up. So hurray >_> I didnt get to watch that either.
So thats enough whining for the day. Maybe more when I get back later tonight.
This busy, mismatched schedule is a pain in the ass. I think karma thought my neck had had enough.
I shall now go feel guilty for having whined.
Holidays are supposed to be FUN! *frustrated angry face*
So I spent the last more than an hour answering questionnaires for research studies because I’m bored as fuck. Tomorrow morning (today, afternoon) I will be beating myself up about this because I have a novel to read, stuff to decide, stuff to draw, a room to clean, a medicine drawer to arrange (oh shit! I totally forgot about that and its too late now!), shoes to photograph (oh shit again!), some ideas to put to paper, emails to reply, poems and short stories to critique and generally, more important stuff to do.
Oh, and I’m getting lazy with this Bits of the Day category and not writing artistically. Shame on me!
Today, I woke up at 5pm, went out for a lunch-ish thing, came home, got a shopping list and went back out shopping and came home, had dinner and spent the rest of my time doing just about nothing. There are 6 days left before our flight (to hell) and two weeks to spend there (okay, not hell, but something close). And I have to do shit before I go.
*sigh*
Lazy, lazy, lazy me.
And now I shall go to bed. And toss and turn. And eventually..perhaps, hopefully, fall asleep.
So today I went to uni and laughed at the registrar. Well, not exactly. I surpassed her (stupid excuse of some semblance of) “power” and went over to the program director (hehehehehe) and got all my courses and schedules sorted out. So I’ve dropped the useless health science course I was being forced to take, and taken up a photography course instead. Woohoo!
In other news, I bought really pretty shoes. Like really really pretty.
And..um..I have to prepare for a party tomorrow at our place.
And…thats about it
I feels gooood ;D
You make me want to cry, wrapped in the middle of the night like a melting chocolate core in a hard chocolate shell. You make me want to hold myself because there is no one to hold. You make me want to break down and fix up all my little kinks with surgical precision, top it off with tiny stitches that leave no scars. You make me want to shake and shiver and sob into the pillow so I can convince myself I am alone. You make me want to love the moments.
You make me want to feel. You make me want to take a walk in a thunder storm, in a stream, in a deserted garden that reminds me of a barren field. You make me want to climb trees and jump off to know what its like to soar and be sore, to know a high and a low and a somewhere in between. You make me want to sleep. You make me want to dream of forgotten things, little things, little happy things. You make me want to snatch time from inside a waterfall behind which we hide.
You make me want to wipe away dust, land, water. You make me want to…
You make me want…
You
make me.
(Inspired by a lovely talk with a wonderful friend)
I’m starting this category for a friend (you know who you are ). I shall be posting relatively less depressive bits of the day so people can stay posted. Enjoy
“Life just kind of empties out
Less a deluge than a drought
Less a giant mushroom cloud
Than an unexploded shell
Inside a cell
Of the Lennox Hotel”
~ Little Bombs, Aimee Mann.
Thats what I was listening to just now.
The site for uni is down, so I cant plan what courses I have to register for before I go to register tomorrow. I guess I’ll have to plan it all out when I get there. Thats about the only significant thing thats happened today
Time to get to bed.
This is going to be one of those boring, self-involved posts. The makers of this post are not responsible for aggravated levels of frustration or boredom caused by the reading of this post.
So I’m confused as all fuck and I cant decide what I feel because theres a fucking lot of feeling going on. I’m pissed off, predominantly. Then guilty for being pissed off and not helping instead. I’m afraid that if I do help, I’ll be setting myself up for a fall but then maybe thats not the worst thing that could happen. I’ve fallen before, gotten up with (more than) a little help, dusted off and..sort of, somewhat moved on. So maybe it doesnt matter if I get hurt in the process as long as things get better.
But I dont want to be the main participant in this fixing marathon. Being the main participant means being bombarded from three sides while being backed up against a wall of responsibility and loyalty and whatever the fuck else. But again, does it matter? Yes it does. It matters a fuckload. Because being in the middle means openning up too, explaining scary things. Distance will not be maintainable. And then after all that, we’ll be right back where we started and they’ll laugh at the mention of psychological distress and I’ll shut up and seethe internally.
I dont want a relationship. I’m perfectly fine living this way, with minimal contact, untill I move out of the house and have to visit on holidays only. And I really dont want to work through my fucking fears before working through someone elses. Yes, I’m afraid I’ll get hurt, which is why I dont want a relationship. Heck, I’m not afraid, I’m certain I’ll get hurt. And I’ve made my peace with that. So why revive conjoured demons?
I’m not a good enough person. I dont want to be the rock, the helper, the…whatever. I’m a coward and I like it that way. And right now I’m thinking of a way to extricate myself from the situation, and lets say I succeed in doing so. What then? Then am I responsible for the ruined lives of four people? Am I guilty of abandoning people in need and is it wrong of me to do so? I dont know. I’m torn between..doing the right thing and doing what feels right. I dont want to be the goddamn rock.
Its time. Its time.
Its time for forgotten things. Its time for peace, for love, for war, for sleep. Its time to smooth a million kinks. Its time to fix, time to mend, time to patch together the air and cover the breach. Its time to make good, be good, lest karma bite back again. Its time to live, time to hold up arms and abandon shields. Its time to wake, to walk, run far before it catches up.
Most times its not the time to breathe.
Turn around. You always turn around, then say its time to leave.
Its not time to leave. Its time to stay and stick it out. Its time to face up. Grow up.
But then you said you would rather not, and took to running away. You put on your sneakers and zipped past everything fast enough to only see blurs.
The road doesnt take you anywhere.
Clouds hang in the air like saddness, post-rain. Moisture, sweat and synthetic esters fuse to a fragrance she remembers from long ago (in a garden with a sprinkler and a dog and a little dead fish to bury).
She shuffles her feet to the shower.
(We are gathered here today…)
Unzip. Unbutton.
(to honour the short life…)
Untie and brush.
(of Flappy the Fish…)
Undress.
(She was a joyful fish…)
Stand.
(with a heart full of love…)
Fidget.
(She led a full life…)
Scratch.
(and made our lives full…)
Draw water.
(…May she rest and peace…)
Whats done and said does not matter.
(…as she lived in it…)
Its always a happy-ever-after.
Maybe its time to switch perfumes.
Its raining inside.
She doesnt carry an umbrella anymore. Gray clouds make up for wallpaper and ceiling decor. Miniature lightening bolts strike corners in each room. There is always light. The floor she walks on is flooded. Her toes numb and blue from the cold. She used to wear warmer clothes when it began. Plumbers were called, heaters were installed. They couldnt fix anything.
She went to bed that night, drenched. Droplets fell on her, rain ceasing to drizzle as she slept. The water soaked through her blanket, clothes, hair. But her skin didnt wrinkle and the food didnt spoil. Water rolled off tables and papers as if it were nothing. It flowed from under doors, around the legs of chairs, but the wood didnt swell. The rain inside kept noise away. All she heard from then were her feet splish-splashing as she treaded, the tup-tup-tup of drops somewhere, the rush of a waterfall as it flowed down the stairs and the endless pelting of raindrops as they fell from the ceiling.
Then she came to love the rain.
The world breathes into my head. Its scalding breath and my cold silence rise in a whirlwind of destruction. Flesh. Blood. Bone. I can go no deeper.
Little animal screams arise from somewhere far. Panic-stricken. Survival instinct kicks in too late. Screams beget screams beget screams and paralysis. The predator leaps – a quick swipe. Crack. Slump. Dead.
Blood rushes in like scared rabbits, fleeing. Gnawing at the insides of my head for a way out. If only release were that easy. I lose wavelengths in their screams in my screams in the sound of little bits bone chipping away.
I wait for the demons to feast.
The day sucks when all you do is sleep.
No really, thats all I did. Really. Aside from cooking, getting exhausted to the point of nausea and taking care of sophie during said exhaustion. But the little tyke was sleepy too, thank god.
So now I have a math admission test, and I’m mildly hungry. I also felt like randomly posting about my day in plain prose instead of riddles. Rejoice.
I shall now go eat and drink and draw and sleep.
This blog has, as expected, turned into a whiney place instead of one dedicated to writing.
But who gives a fuck as long as its done in style, eh?
I’m waiting for the day to end, so I can give the goddamn test tomorrow, come home, collapse in bed and not get up for a good 8 to 10 hours. I want the goddamn weekend to pass so I can give the other goddamn test and get over with all this fuckload of stuff to do so I can stay holed up in my room for longer every day.
That is why all these posts are timed.
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